Don’t Believe Everything You Think. Search for What People Really Want

Conflicts start with different opinions of the parties involved. It’s a must to realize that each of us is unique. Each of us has a unique history and approach to life. To each their own. Remember Charlie Brown? He also questions the truth. So that’s what I want to touch upon here.

Have you ever thought about how an opinion is shaped? And how to treat it in real life? I’ll discuss the second one first. The easiest way to treat opinions is by using tactical empathy. Chris Voss, the most famous negotiator in the world, describes it well. And is a big fan of tactical empathy himself.

How does it work? When communicating with someone, we don’t judge. We just listen. And give the other party a chance to speak.

Thinking Isn’t Knowing

What’s it all about? About being aware of the fact that both you and the other party have their own fears and reasons why they do what they do. And, like us, the other party is doing their best. Always.

The moment you realize this, you’ll feel the difference. And you’ll feel that communication will become easier for you. With your team, suppliers, customers… and your family, too.

Money doesn’t come from rain or sun. It comes from people. Those who trust us. And people pay us for offering what they want, not for what we think they want.

That’s the issue of opinion. The issue many of us underestimate. Opinions are based on speculations. But speculations can lead us astray. Have you read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz? There he says that you shouldn’t believe speculations. And that’s our number one rule in negotiating.

Instead of speculating, we’re assuming. Why? Because there’s no room for making up things. We have to know things.

How to Know the Difference Between Speculation and Assumption

Speculation is an emotionally driven thing. We usually only have one speculation, and we cannot move anywhere out of it. In other words, we don’t want to see other reasons or solutions. On the other hand, the assumption is a rational scientific approach.

Usually, we create more speculations in the beginning, and we start questioning them during a dialogue. Thanks to the process of elimination, we pick one we start seeing as the right one. Even Albert Einstein did this. Despite his negative attitude towards quantum mechanics, he ultimately helped to solidify its foundation.

There are two truths actually: an objective and a subjective one. The stumbling block? Not even an objective truth can lead to an agreement. If you don’t believe me, look at people who think the Earth is flat. And what’s more, that’s in the middle of the whole universe.

The subjective truth is, however, 100% a reason for conflicts. And leads to disagreements. What’s interesting here, we need arguments for both subjective and objective truth: “Jets are better than Patriots because…”

Arguments Simply Don’t Work

However, arguments don’t work. They don’t work in negotiating and neither do they work in relationships. The only place they work is science.

A strictly scientific approach states that as soon as a single counterargument appears against even a vast number of arguments, we must reconsider the entire theory. Outside of science, in interpersonal communication, we know that there is at least one counterargument for every argument.

By having speculations, we negotiate with ourselves. Instead of knowing something for sure or being open to finding out more, we get stuck with our speculation. And we’re wasting our energy on searching for reassurance that our speculation is right.

Our friends and family are then either allies or opponents. And we head to the bottom of conflict escalation: war, divorce, or court.

The best way to prevent this is with tactical empathy. It works the same as negotiating. Even here, it’s necessary to ask open questions. Questions that cannot be answered with YES or NO, but which give the other person more space. Then the hardest part comes - we have to stay quiet and listen actively.

If we’re successful at this, we can start building assumptions that we then find either truths or lies.

A big advantage of open questions and active listening? The other party gives us lots of information we can then work with. The majority of people like to talk. Steer the monologue the course that is advantageous for you and you’ll be where you want to be.

Highway to Hell

Speculations are dangerous because they make us believe they’re true. We see only what we want to see. And if we’re, on top of that, afraid to ask questions, we are on a highway to hell.

We make decisions based on emotions, not reality and facts.

There’s a tendency to see through one’s own lenses. What a paradox. Each of us thinks we’re more than others. Self-serving bias is what we’re talking about right now.

Yet, we feel the need to evaluate others based on our values. Our approach and experiences. Simply put, based on our view of the world.

And while assumptions push science forward, speculations are the source of great human conflicts and tragedies.

I might not answer all of your questions about how to save your business or solve a big conflict with this one. But I hope I, at least, gave you something you can start working with.

After coming home, try to ask your partner an open question. For example, “What was the most interesting thing you came across today?” And then, just listen. You’ll notice the difference.